Chunnu Ke Dada Ki Kalam Se-II   (Sequel to earlier Chunnu Ki Kalam Se)

My name is Sardar Singh, and I am grandfather of Chunnu. 

A progressive farmer based in Rudrapur in the Terai belt of Uttrakhand, I also run a small seed processing unit. I am proud to be serving my nation, not like my son Vir Singh, who is anything but 'Vir' (brave). A Cost Accountant based in Delhi, he is, I'm sad to admit, a bit of a wimp, terrified as he always is, of annoying his better half. Even in his chosen work-sphere he could'nt do much, due to his timid introverted shy outlook. He remains to this date, a dissatisfied man. No wonder his manner of farting is also so sullen, stealthy, silent, sad, smelly and surreptitious. I have tentatively drawn up the conclusion that his downcast mental state, and dejected demeanour is responsible for his farts being so bad and undetectable, until its way too late, and the airy arrows have left the quiver....leaving many aquiver. Besides he also a habitual liar (maybe certified accountants are that way)! This has also contributed to the state of his farts. Reverse-engine that, and it will be evident to most keen observers, that Farts can depict a lot about the Personality traits of a person. 

For long this has been an intriguing subject, and I have tried analysing why we Indians fart so much, and whether any meaningful delineation can be drawn up of different personality types, based on the average types of farts emitted by them, daily. After all, an average Indian farts about 18 times daily. After deep introspection, pain-staking research, and some brain-storming, I have finally arrived at some important conclusions, which may be worth sharing world-wide, thus this paper is now ready for release. Have a blast (of information).

There can be four different types of farts, the Sound based, the Odour based, Mixture ones with a dash of throbbing sleazy sound, and lastly the Low grade pistol-fire type, each with its own associated human traits. Each one is best explained, for thorough understanding, with a live example.

My own day typically starts off with one or two big "Paranthas" (Wheat-breads) mostly having stuffings of radishes, onions, potatoes, cauliflower (or a judicious mix of some of these), topped off some white butter, curd, washed down with masala (spiced)-tea. Needless to say, I am compelled to commence releasing wind immediately, but I valiantly hold on, until I have bid adieu to the dear wife, and upon getting seated comfortably in my Toyota sedan, the first one is usually let loose, as a noisy long-drawn staccato drum-beat, as I instruct my driver, about my work-plan, and urgent visits for the day ahead. The decent man Sardara Singh, doesnt bat an eyelid, and politely waits for the drum-beat to end; before venturing to discuss anything further. Generally, the fart ends the dialogue.

For the gleanings: My farts indicate that I am a positive energetic workaholic, an achiever, a go-getter, a bit too impetuous at times, but forgivable for the spirit behind it all. Not one for dwelling on past failures, I venture forth impatiently, for new failures.....for there will be many..... 

My friend Sardul Singh, on the other hand, is a silent killer, much on the lines of my son Vir. His releases are swift attackers, serving to immobilise the poor unsuspecting victims. Not even emitting as much as a quiet hiss, the Hydrogen bomb is released sneakily, wreaking havoc all around! Typically an Indian fart is about 59% Nitrogen gas, 21% Hydrogen, 8% Carbon dioxide, 7% Methane and 4% Oxygen. Only about one per cent of a fart contains Hydrogen Sulphide gas, of the famed rotten eggs odour, which gives the fart its inimitable aroma. Besides, Sardul Singh's farts travel at the speed of about 3.3 metres/ per second, even before the surrounding people can even take three deep breaths, as propagated by Swami Ramdev of Haridwar.

Sardul's farts reveal that basically he is criminal minded and cannot be trusted! He is a somewhat shady character; one with loose morals, disregard for the law, and is nearly equivalent to a slimy two-faced dog; a con-artist to beat all tricksters, and a liar to beat all lawyers ! But I still believe a friend is forever, even if he stinks to the core.

Then there is my sister-in-law Surjeet Kaur, who deals in the 'Mixed' variety. Surjeet is the eternal marriage-broker, though not for money; her efforts and ef-farts are more for aligning two like-minded like-farters for a long fart-filled happy matrimony, lasting till gaseous eternity. However, she farts according to the situation, and where the prospective alliance is likely fizzling out, she lets loose a final stink, alongwith a short abrupt low-sounding blast, signifying sad finality and the end of the discussion. She is a firm believer in the adage that marital union is like a fart: 

If  you love someone, let it (or him) go......and If you're trying to force it, its probably Shit. And if you dont love him, just let it go.   

Her happy ones though, are pure music for the soul, being melodious mellifluous flute notes signifying a satisfying victory, that augurs a happy marriage alliance..

The Bottom-Line however is that a Fart is not merely Air.  It has far wider implications, and in order to study Farts further and obtain essential wisdom therefrom,  it is suggested that Farting as a Subject may be included as a higher level study course in all accredited universities, all over India. Job-opportunities should also be created as in China, where one can actually (truly) get a job as a professional fart-smeller!

The Fart-story doesnt end here.....lots more is in pipeline....