The joys of Spitting, urinating and blowing one's nose in public  (An Indian perspective)

Just as the Toyota car started up the slope of Nauroji Nagar flyover in south-central Delhi, enroute to Delhi IGI airport, an automatic button lowered the left rear window, and the well to do gentleman most politely put out his snout, and spat a voluminous amount of betel leaf spit, mixed judiciously with saliva, into the open air. The spit was spat out, without any evil, malicious or mischevious intent. It was a different matter altogether, that the spit caught the top of helmet-visor of a Royal Enfield motorcycle driver following the speeding car closely. As the red coloured spit trickled down the helmet visor, the bike driver cursed vehemently into his helmet which was thankfully sound-proof, as the sedan sped away, blissfully unknowing and unconcerned. Spitting publicly comes naturally to us Indians, why all the bother and fuss, about it, besides it hardly spreads much Covid!

Nearly simultaneously in Central Delhi, the Rajdhani express slithered out of New Delhi Railway station smoothly and swiftly, as it picked up speed. An obese Punjabi businessman was standing at the open doorway of the otherwise full AC train (to get some fresh air), jauntily, in a manner suggesting he owned the train. He suddenly decided to clean his nose, there and then. He blew his nose into the open yonder not bothering where the stuff fell. Then, in utter hygienic compulsion he gingerly inserted his middle finger into his nose and picked out the remnants, which also he flicked into the open blue yonder for he was a tidy man with a penchant for keeping himself, and his surroundings, spic and span. Then, washing his face in the train basin and wiping it fully dry, he twirled his moustache as he strode cheerily into his AC compartment, throwing a well-mannered bashful smile at a lady co-passenger.

Mouse-click now to a scene of Faridabad near Delhi, at about the same time. A villager decided that enough was enough and that the time of reckoning was near, now. Looking around cautiously and politely, he waited to let a car pass by, and then, in utter decency and good public behaviour, he faced the dry bushes at the base of a decrepit school-wall, unzipped and and let loose. Then, his good deed done for the day he walked away, a satisfied man ! Peeing in public, in India, is no big deal, in fact it is the norm, but only for males. Furthermore it is a way of surrendering to the will of the Almighty albeit through a humble small gesture. What's wrong in a little public watering, given that the Indian monsoon is very erratic, scattered and unreliable. Besides, relieving publicly, has always been deliciously enjoyable for us Bharat-vasis. Most importantly, the poor drying plants also bless us silently.

However not all Indians are as hygienic, thoughtful and polite as the above three!  Some are even worse. The moot point now arises as to how to make them learn good etiquette, hygiene, manners, and decency. Dont laugh, please, its possible. I would suggest an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth ! Read: a spit on the face (for a spit).

More on farts 

Roses are red, my love
Violets are blue,
your farts are pungent-sweet, my love,
they make me cry Boo-hoo


I, a Fart, am the provider of immense succour and satisfaction to countless countenances which are transfixed by stuck gas and flatulence. In a way I represent release and salvation to those afflicted by alimentary ailments. Imagine their plight if I was not there. There would be untold misery as the waste air would tunnel its way into unimaginable crevices of the body, making one weep writhe and sob in pain. Body-aches, headaches and pains would occur and recur. I expel my presence and "blow-out" my identity in order to provide comfort and relief to the distressed souls. People breathe easy after having “breathed” me out. I may in fact, be compared to a “medical care provider."   

Ancient Indian wisdom, Tao philosophy and even the modern masters on spirituality assert the importance of "Letting Go." One must not hold anything within, for long. For-giving and moving on are essential for a healthy life. A great philosophical song goes....."The answer my friend, is Blowing in the wind. Lets all take smart life-lessons from that, and appreciate the spirit of freedom behind a fart.

But, have I ever been given my due recognition as a benefactor of mankind ? Don’t I too deserve some gratitude (even back-handed) for my ef-forts and ef-farts, since I benefit all and am a universal do-gooder. But what do I get in return ? A derisive snort and disrespect from these farts and assholes.

A fart, today, is treated as something obnoxious, laughable or impolite. Tell me, am I impolite in any way ? Am I someting to be denigrated ?  Or is the dictionary being impolite when, in its references, it equates me to “a boring or contemptible person.” Why do people snigger at the mere mention of a Fart. What wrong have I done to deserve this odious and inhuman comparison. Does it really matter which part of the body the "air" gets emitted from? Why are Burps much less ridiculed, when we both are, in effect, first cousins. I would strongly urge humanity to change its perspective towards me, and treat me with due deference, instead of assinine  insults. 

Coming now to the odour, well that is only a pointer towards the wondrous smells of human innards, created by the Lord of one and all. Thinking deeply, one will realize that Farts are a great indicator of the person's personality too. One may even dare to assert that no two farts smell exactly the same. But more of that in Wonders of Farts..

Discerning souls will realize that there is nothing distasteful about me, only, pre-conceived notions and big fat asses have ruined my image, thats all. I am just a judicious mix of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen suphide gases, and in fact quite a chemical wonder! Besides, I am also a reminder of all things intrinsically "straightforward." Doesnt that ring a true note? Why is there so much Phusss (fuss) about me. 

Kindly think kindly about me….... here are a few essential facts about Farts that everybody needs to know :

1. Indians break wind, right from the day they are born, until death. On an average Indians collectively break aromatic wind upto 8.5 billion times each day, the figure being 6.3 billion times in case of Americans, which is in totality a lot of hot air, often done with a lot of hauteur. For such a utilitarian, unique, ubiquitous and universal activity, it's surprising how much it is demeaned. Pinched faces and noses indicate the event of "gas -passing" in most social settings. Scientific knowledge however, has no ingrained repulsion of flatulence. In-depth research is still on, on Indian Farts...

2. The average fart is roughly 100 ml by volume and lasts for upto two seconds. More interesting than the statistic itself, is how it was calculated. Basically, it involved subjects farting into specially designed, airtight, gas-collecting underwear. 

3. Three Main fart smells are prevalent. Hydrogen sulphide produces the signature "rotten eggs" aura, methanethiol produces tinges of "decomposing vegetables," and dimethyl sulphide adds a whiff of quaint  "sweetness."

4. Women's farts smell significantly worse than men's. In studies conducted by eminent flatulence researcher Michael Levitt (Read Leave It..), women's farts consistently sported significantly greater concentrations of hydrogen sulphide. Odour judges and Whiff experts have confirmed this -- at similar volumes -- this translates to a noticeably worse aroma than men's farts. The relevant question that pops out now is why, men are'nt able to smell women's farts in public. It has been noticed that after rear-ventilating, women instantly leave the spot of crime, so they are never in the radar of suspicion. 

However, leaving aside gender-bias in this Airy-Arena, a fart is a naturally efficient bodily function, that occurs when your digestive system breaks down food through your gastrointestinal tract.

5. There's a way to make the farts  odourless. Marketed sometime ago as the only "internal deodorant," the ingredient Bismuth Subgalate, reduces almost 100% of the odour caused by sulphur gases, the primary contributors to smelly farts. Bismuth is an interesting metal - it's extremely dense yet nontoxic. The only known side effects of taking bismuth subgallate is a harmless darkening of stools or tongue, which the user's friends/ family describe as "well worth" the effart.

6. Women mostly fart after they pee, whereas men desire a pee after their farts. Though not scientifically researched, people's experiences point towards this relevant phenomenon. Another interesting fact is that the intrinsic nature and intensity of women's and men's farts differs in a fundamental way.

At this juncture it becomes one's duty to point out that when a woman feels free to fart in front of someone, it implies she trusts him implicitly, and is even willing to go fairly far in a relationship! Hence a fart is also an indicator of willingness for a fling....or a One-night blast.

7. A mesmerising description of the process.  After food makes its way across your Gastro-intestinal tract, waste remains in the colon until one needs to expel it.  It's here that your intestinal bacteria ferments leftover nutrients like fibre and other unabsorbed carbohydrates. This creates the gas sulphur, which is what makes farts inimitably fragrant, besides making you feel flatulent. So, like any other magical bodily function, farts too, need to be adored accepted and admired.

Chapter II will be on  "What farts can reveal about a woman" and chapter III ON Whether animals fart.