Etiquettes of Spitting



Aaa ...Sploooosh

 

An issue relevant to most Indian cities today is : Etiquettes de Cracher or Etiquettes of Spitting. However it is not often talked about. It’s just expressed.

Splattering saliva and sputum serenely is both a science and an art and every citizen learns to spit as naturally as every American learns to brag publicly. Mastering it through relentless practice since childhood, our men have gained considerable expertise in it and even the ladies are learning fast. However public spitting is rather demanding, and exhorts us to follow certain decorum, discipline and protocol if it is to be effective yet polite. With an air of innate confidence, quiet disdain and razor sharp reflexes, the spit must be delivered on corridor walls, staircases, pavements, railway platforms, airport entrances and roads among other places. Even while travelling in a car bus or train one must, at the first given opportunity, turn one’s head a little out of the window, and blast away ferociously. One must never think that it would be uncivilized irreverent or unhyieginic.  Or be bothered whether the wind has delivered the content right onto another’s face or windshield. Public spitting denotes self confidence and it also evokes a nationalistic feeling of being One. It is the common bond that unites us all, across regions and religions.

Coming now to the modalities of efficient spitting. Inside public buildings cinema halls and newly constructed buildings, the aim must reach the walls at the vertical line and splash it evenly and neatly.  Towards this end the aim and trajectory needs to be perfected with dedication and practice. The betel-leaf spit is most effective for most staircases as it lends a bit of colour to the otherwise drab and dull settings. The specific corner pots designated for the purpose at each floor must however be avoided like the plague. Another cautioning point to be remembered in the travelling expulsions is that it must be in a forceful yet even stream, and one must be careful not to let the crux of the matter fountain on one’s own clothes or car.  Another’s clothes, car or garden need not be worried about and one can spit and splash with complete freedom.  However nonchalance  is also of paramount importance in such matters and one must feign ignorance if caught spitting publicly. This is so because everyone spits but no one can tolerate another spitter. Sprinting or racing away hastily is a good physical exercise to be kept reserved for such moments.

Two main categories of spitting have been chronicled, the ‘silent type’ and’ the ‘noisy type.’ An appropriate mix of the two would include sound level of 23 % with content of 77 % as the experts often conclude. It’s a real pity that natural phenomena like spit burps and breaking wind are so demeaned in our country,

For a moment now ‘Mouse click’ to London. Imagine a person spitting with abandon on the sidewalk near the river Thames, or near the Tower of London. People who spit in public places in London face being hit with a £ 80 on-the-spot fine under a new crackdown on antisocial behavior which has been approved by the group of London Councils. Moreover the local English people would literally burn one down with distasteful glares. So much fuss over one little drop by humanity, one would think and be reminded of ‘Much ado about nothing.’ In Singapore Vancouver or Barcelona one would possibly be sent to jail for spitting, besides having to pay a hefty fine.

Considering the warped international attitudes towards Spitting, one would suggest the following:

First and foremost every Indian, and person of the subcontinent should be allowed, nay encouraged to spit anywhere in the subcontinent as its only natural and helps to increase the depleting water table of that area.

Secondly,  Indian women must be encouraged to spit openly, for it shows their  true grit, spirit and inner self confidence. They cannot be taken lightly if they can spit publicly. This will help break the decades old shackles of mental oppression that they have suffered.

Thirdly people must be guided properly to spit at the bottom of dried plants, shrubs, flowers trees and hedges for it helps in sustaining them, in these days of parched monsoons.

Fourthly, our nation is the world’s greatest democracy and depriving anyone of this fundamental right would surely be inconsistent with the ideals of democracy. To encourage spitting, it can be made part of the National Games, and the distance thrown can be a measure of the most  successful man. 

Fifthly, anyone opposing public spitting should be spat upon vigorously. Only then he may see its true worth.

Sixthly, imagine youself trekking between Raison (Kullu Valley) and Manikaran, and pausing atop the peak at Village Matikochar to imbibe the spectacular soothing scenery.  What better ode to beauty could there be, than spitting respectfully.

Seventhly, the Swachch Bharat Abhiyan cannot be a success truly, without availability of cleansing through ‘watering’ first. Only then can the cleaning be done properly. No sane man would therefore deny the tremendous utility of collective spitting.  

Lastly, collecting storing and treating saliva chemically may help in producing some effective antiseptic and healing lotions.

Spitting is an often denigrated and much maligned attribute, even though it signifies a return to Nature. Come, let us all join in showing the ignorant world its true worth, and here India can be a true world-leader! 

 (Devjit Singh)